Eden Snippet

So I'm starting to write the ending of Eden as you know but I am CRAVING feedback.  I have gotten very little as I've been writing and I am really wanting to share some of it.  So here's a little piece for you, taken from somewhere near the middle of the book.  I think it illustrates fairly well the love drama that takes place in the book.  I would love your input!

Avian placed his warm hand on my cheek and I squeezed my eyes closed as relief flooded my system. I suddenly craved more though.

“Things are going to be okay,” he whispered.

My eyes rose to meet his. “I don’t see how,” I said quietly back.

“Somehow they will be,” his eyes burned as he stared back at me.

There were a million things I wanted to say to Avian in that moment. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to know it was him that I wanted. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I wanted to tell him that in a way, I wished it was just him and I that were leaving to go into the unknown.

But how could I say those things when I didn’t even know if he felt the same way anymore?

“Good-night, Avian,” I said quietly as I took a step away from him.

“Good-night, Eve,” he whispered back, his burning eyes following me as I walked away into the dark.

Graye had taken over two of my night watches and I now felt lost at nights. It was difficult for me to sleep at nights now that I had changed my schedule for so long. I wandered the perimeter, feeling restless and idle. If only my vision was better at night I could be hunting or scouting, or something.

Maybe then I could outrun these feelings I didn’t want to be dealing with.

I didn’t even think to stop myself before I was standing at the entrance of West’s tent. I couldn’t make myself go inside, I could only stand there, feeling like I was being torn in two.

The flap was pushed aside and a half asleep West poked his head out. “Eve? What are you doing there?”

I shook my head. “I’m not really sure.”

“Well don’t just stand there. That’s really creepy,” he said quietly. “You want to come in?”

I hesitated, hating myself at the moment. Had I ever felt hate before? Towards anything other than the Fallen? But I hated what I was doing, doing to Avian, doing to West. I wasn’t sure how to stop myself though. It felt like I was careening out of control. “Yes.”

I stepped in, diverting my eyes when I realized West was not wearing a shirt.

“Sorry,” he said when he noticed I couldn’t look at him. He started pulling a shirt on. “It’s hot tonight.”

“We’ll be experiencing even hotter next week,” I said as I looked around the tent for a place to sit. There was nowhere but the bed.

“Next week,” he said as he rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Wow. It hasn’t quite hit me yet.”

I stood there, staring at West, fighting with the emotions I felt inside. I wanted to feel the fire again, to push and see how far I could go till I burned to ash. And yet something inside of me felt that was wrong. Being with someone wasn’t just about feeling the blaze. There were other things you were supposed to feel as well. I just didn’t know what they were.

“Can I stay with you tonight? Will you just…” I hesitated. “Hold me?”

He looked at me for a moment, a million different things running through his head. “Of course,” he said, his voice hesitant.

West lay back on his cot and I folded myself into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I was surrounded by his scent. I pressed my cheek into his chest, listening for his heartbeat. Exactly the same but yet so different than Avian’s.

“Are you okay?” he whispered into my ear.

I shook my head. “No. But I hope someday I will be.”


Melissa (i swim for oceans) said...

I just love the vulnerability of your characters, Keary! It makes them so tangible! I can't wait to read EDEN. It sounds brilliant! :)

I'm in the process of editing my book, RACE, and there's a teaser on my site, too, if you want to check it out!

Morgan said...

LOVE IT! I agree with Melissa! Love the way you make your characters so real. Can't wait to read this masterpiece. Seriously can't wait!

~Crystal~ said...

AAah, it's so exciting! Having read what you had on your site before this is really leaving me on the edge of my seat.
So, I went to click on Team Avian, and I thought it was gonna take me to a fan site for him or something! I was so disappointed when it didn't ;)
The characters are great, the storyline is awesome, I can't wait to see what will happen with the fallen!
The only thing I was confused about was that their garden seems to be in an open space, without much cover, then how is it the helicopters haven't seen it? Just something I was thinking about.

Nicole MacDonald said...

Beautiful exert Keary :) and I love the two 'stamps' they look familiar *grin*

The Arrival, on Amazon NOW!

steve said...

I agree with your previous comments. There is a very human element to your characters, Eve especially. Your descriptions of things are very tangible, like you could reach out and touch them. I also like the 'it's creepy' joke in the middle. I love sardonic humor to lighten the moods of the more serious situations. Great work.

Keary Taylor said...

Thanks for the compliments everyone! Crystal- that will get explained as the book goes on ;) I'll try and post a few more pieces in the next little while!

Brad Jaeger said...

I really dig the scene. It's believable.

My two small pieces of constructive criticism:

1. Don't be afraid to use the word "said". Really, it's okay!

2. There's a whole lot of whispering going on for such a small snippet

I'm checking in on this blog pretty regularly now. Keep sharing, and let us all know when you need some read throughs!